


nightmare; waking into light

by starrkeys



Series: dreamlike; nightmare [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, jeno is barely in this sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 09:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14517084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrkeys/pseuds/starrkeys
Summary: Renjun's thoughts still spiral out of control but he doesn't need to fight them alone.





	nightmare; waking into light

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't mean to write this but it exists now so here u go

It was a recurring nightmare, simple in nature. In the dream, Renjun was walking the old route he always used to back in high school. The route he walked that allowed him to meet Jeno and Jaemin. In the dream, they were never there. He was looking for them but they weren’t there. Somehow in the dream he knew that he hadn’t seen them in a long time and that they weren’t there and that they were never going to be there again.

He was alone.

When the dream began, he was walking but by the end of it he was running all the while not seeming to make any progress at all. The streets just kept going on and on, houses stretching on forever and nobody anywhere. Nobody at all but especially no Jaemin and no Jeno. If only he could find them, the panic would go away and things would be good again.

But he was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

He just kept having the dream. He was scaring himself. He wasn’t alone. Not in real life, at least. Jaemin and Jeno were there. But it was hard not to feel the fear and the panic when he just kept dreaming the same thing over and over and over again.

It felt like he hadn’t been awake in a long time. The walks weren’t helping anymore. He still went on them, even now years later; the habit was comforting. But the thoughts just ran on ahead of him now, never under control. Spiralling. He couldn’t make them stop. They would never stop.

For a while things had been better. But no improvement seemed to stick and things would always inevitably get bad again.

He would never be like them. Jeno and Jaemin. In a lot of ways, they were still the two boys that he used to watch from afar and long to know. Still enigmas. He would never smile like that, laugh like that, run for no reason at all. He’d never be that carefree. That just wasn’t what life was to him.

His life was nighttime walks and moonlight. They never tried to stop him from going, even though perhaps they probably should have. He belonged to the nighttime now. They were clearly sunshine.

*

Somehow Renjun had fallen asleep in a park. He’d taken to resting there a while during his walks. He was awake at nighttime more than he was sleeping these days. Things weren’t going well. In his mind. In his life. It was hard to admit that.

Jaemin and Jeno wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t. He was darker, starry eyed. They were sunshine. Sunshine smiles and sunshine laughter and sunshine sunshine sunshine. He knew they worried about him. He knew that he wasn’t hiding it well. But he was hiding enough that they let him be and just…shared worried glances when they thought he couldn’t see. Spoke in hushed tones or in private texts.

When he woke up, it was still nighttime. For once, there was no wind. The moon was shining brightly and it was cold. The end of autumn was approaching. The chill had sunk in deep; it was what had woken him. It was disorienting waking in a cold, dark, empty park. It felt like he had waken in his dream.

He left the park quickly. He was almost tempted to run. It was time that he was home.

*

It was 3:37 am when Renjun arrived back at their shared apartment. A light was on in the kitchen and Jaemin sat at the table with a notebook and two textbooks spread open in front of him. He looked up at Renjun as soon as he entered. On edge. Waiting. Renjun wished that his boyfriend was asleep as he should be and not trying to distract himself with uni work as he waited.

“I’m sorry,” Renjun said instead of a greeting. He hovered in the doorway to the kitchen, uncertain. He’d never felt like he was trespassing before but now he did.

“Don’t be,” Jaemin said quickly. He stood up, scraping the chair back across the linoleum. “Are you okay?”

Renjun fiddled with the door frame where the wood was a little loose from the wall. He wished Jaemin had just been asleep so that tomorrow they could all just pretend that this hadn’t happened.

“Hey….” Suddenly, Jaemin was directly in front of him. He cupped Renjun’s face in his hand and looked into his eyes. “Are you okay?” he repeated. “You’re cold.”

“I fell asleep…” Renjun trailed off, uncertain of what he should say. He didn’t want anyone to worry. He knew they were already so worried. They let him have his nighttimes to do whatever he wished without interference. They knew something was wrong but they never pushed him into talking about it or tried to discourage him from leaving.

He pulled away from Jaemin’s touch and dodged around him and into the kitchen. He got a glass and filled it with water from the sink. “Where’s Jeno?”

“Asleep. He wanted to go out looking for you but I said that we should give you until morning. And he has class anyway, so. He needs sleep.”

“Oh.”

There was a pause. Renjun could sense Jaemin’s eyes on him. Would he ask questions or would he just leave it up to Renjun to decide to share his thoughts? Renjun kind of wished that he would just ask him something, for once. He knew that he would never be able to speak otherwise. Finally, Jaemin opened his mouth. “Where did you sleep?”

“Oh. The park. The one at the top of the hill? I stop there sometimes.”

“But you don’t sleep there. Usually, I mean.”

“No. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to.” Suddenly, there were tears prickling at his eyes and it felt as if there was something caught in his throat. “I don’t want to. It’s….” There were a thousand ways he could end that sentence. It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s scary, it’s lonely, it’s not what I want for my life, it’s not what I want for my life anymore. Instead he opted to not finish at all.

Renjun stared at the floor, focusing on his breathing and trying not to cry. His fingers tapped against his cup almost of their own accord.

“Do you want to go get breakfast?” Jaemin said, interrupting Renjun runaway thoughts. The question was unexpected enough that it put a stop to the spiralling before it really had a chance to begin.

“At four am?”

“I’m sure the diner’s open,” Jaemin said.

“Shouldn’t you go to sleep? You already stayed up so late for me.”

“I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. Come on, I gotta make sure you’re okay,” he said, closing the distance between them again. He ran a hand through Renjun’s hair before giving him a kiss on the cheek. Renjun hesitated before melting into his touch as Jaemin enveloped him in an embrace.

“Okay.”

The walk to the diner was like any other time they went there. The fact that it was four am and they were awake because Renjun didn’t come home was not addressed. Jaemin instead chattered about one of his classes and the work he’d been trying to do earlier.

The diner was indeed open, but empty save for two employees and one older gentleman reading a newspaper. They sat in the far corner booth near the windows, Renjun in the corner and Jaemin across. Renjun curled up with his legs under him. Normally he wouldn’t do that in public but it was the middle of the night, and he was tired. There was a weariness in his bones unlike anything he’d ever experienced.

When the waitress came by, they ordered full breakfasts, Jaemin’s with coffee to help him to stay awake through the day. He hadn’t slept at all but had just decided to stay up at this point.

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Renjun said for what felt like the twentieth time.

Jaemin reached across the table and laid a hand on Renjun’s. “No I’m sorry. Jeno and I… we should’ve done something sooner. We feel like we’re…failing you, I guess.”

Renjun nodded not meeting Jaemin’s eyes. He could feel the tears coming again. “I- I’m scared,” he admitted. “I had the dream again. I don’t want- I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

Jaemin’s grip on his hand tightened before letting go completely. Renjun was crying now, tears dripping down his face. He felt so stupid. None of this made any sense and there was no reason for any of it. He should just be happy. He wasn’t alone. Things were good. He knew these things and yet the opposites felt just as true.

Renjun wiped at his eyes, gaze focused steadfastly on the scratched plastic surface of the table. Familiar arms wrapped around him, pulling him in. Without him noticing, Jaemin had come around the table to sit beside him.

He cried into Jaemin’s chest, finally allowing himself to feel all the things that he’d been struggling to keep down inside.

The tears slowed and eventually subsided, Jaemin holding on to him tightly the entire time. At some point, the waitress brought them food, thankfully not saying a word before retreating away from them again.

They ate without breaking contact with each other. Afterwards, the only things that Renjun was one hundred percent certain of were his apologies and Jaemin’s reassurances. “I’m here,” he had said at one point. “We’re going to help you. You’re going to be okay.”

The rest of the night was a blur, the exhaustion taking its toll to the point that Renjun was half asleep by the time they returned to their apartment. He was never alone. Jaemin never left.

*

Renjun woke up in the early afternoon. The rest of the day was spent with Jaemin practically never breaking contact with him and Jeno hovering, offering countless cups of tea and milk and snacks. The three shared body heat and professions of love and kisses. It was nice. They didn’t discuss the previous night, though Renjun knew that his boyfriends must have spoken before he woke up.

Just for one day, it was nice to simply be cared for. Renjun could allow himself at least a day. He knew that things had to change.

*

From there, Renjun tried to convince himself that he wasn’t alone and that he was loved. It was harder than it should have been but most of the time, he managed to believe it. When he wasn’t able to, there was always someone to talk to him, to hold him, to tell him all the things he needed to hear. Things felt more open now, like he didn’t have to hide or lie through omission.

He was going to be fine someday. He was loved. He was not alone. He had been fighting his own mind for a long time and he was going to continue to do so.


End file.
